ESPN: Jumping the shark -- and beyond

There once was a time when I couldn't get enough sports. Couldn't get enough ESPN. A lot of it had to do with the fact that my parents refused to get cable TV, so I grew up with about four or five channels, most of which didn't come in all that well. I learned to play paddycake with the rabbit ears and didn't see a clear picture on ABC until I went away to college.

But back in those heady, early days of cable, the concept of a 24-hour sports network made me drool. I can remember looking at ESPN's listings and wishing I could watch all the time. And when I finally did leave home and get cable, ESPN was everything I'd hoped. In the early 1990s, the network was at its height. SportsCenter became part of the national consciousness at that time. Baseball Tonight and NFL PrimeTime were practically appointment TV.

To say the least, things have changed.

ESPN has expanded, and as it has fattened its imprint on sports media it has become often insufferable. Watching or reading any ESPN content is to subject yourself to a master class in self promotion. They're either plugging their own horribly ill-conceived shows (Bonds on Bonds) or plugging their own horribly ill-conceived technology (Mobile ESPN) or they're acting as though they were the first to report every story that comes along. To be sure, they do have good reporters working for them. But it says a lot that most of their top "insiders" are former print reporters who made the transition to broadcasting and brought the best of their skills with them, transforming ESPN into something far more than it had been.

There are now four ESPN TV networks (ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Classic and ESPN News). And all of them have morphed into something other than where they started. Everything is debate and argument -- sports reporters and ex jocks mouthing at each other. And ESPN Classic? What the hell happened to that? It's a great concept, giving fans a chance to see games from the past, get a little nostalgia. But all they seem to run anymore are old bowling tournaments and World Series of Poker reruns. And today I was channel surfing and they were running -- no shit -- the World Series of Darts. Darts! What the hell is that? Actually, I was transfixed. One of the announcers was Scotish, I think, because he sounded like Mike Myers in the Saturday Night Live sketch, "If it's not Scottish ... it's crap!"

I guess with all those hours of TV to fill, it was natural for them to reach a little. But what crackpot decided poker belonged on TV? Poker, golf, bowling ... fucking darts? They put that on, but people say soccer is boring. Go figure.

It's just nice to see that things blow up in ESPN's face as often as they work. That Barry Bonds show was like a million pound anchor. They let that arrogant bastard take up their air time with his weepy, "nobody understands how much I hurt" bullshit. And Mobile ESPN -- what a joke. They introduced a phone for $399. Then the price dropped to $99. Now they're giving it away for free when you sign a contract. The monthly fees are too expensive and nobody needs access to that much sports information on the go. And if there is anyone like that, I certainly wouldn't want to be driving anywhere near them.

All ESPN needs is to end up getting sued after some moron causes an accident because he can't wait until he gets to the office to check on his fantasy team.